I met with the lovely Rev. Gretchen Haley today.  One of the things she suggested was that to get through the next week or two or three was to declare a vacation.  A vacation from certain responsibilities that I'm not up to handling right now.  Everyone in the family can contribute to the list.  And it will have a set time limit, after which we have a ceremony or ritual of some sort to honor Nathan and our time of grieving.

I want to embrace this idea but I need to think of things to put on that list.  I can't put work on there, as I need the income.  So what, dear readers and friends, can I put on this list?

Gretchen also suggested I reach out to friends to help me over the next few weeks.  Some help with keeping up the house, which seems like an insurmountable task at the moment.  Maybe some meals.  Someone to take the girls for a playdate so I can have some alone time, time to process.

It is so hard to ask, and yet she assured me it's a gift to be asked.  People want to know what they can do to help.  I know that I've been there myself, wanting to help but not knowing how.  So know that I may reach out to some of you soon.  Asking for assistance.

Know that this is not easy for me to do.  It goes against all I was taught.  It shows that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not good enough.  I know these things aren't true, but some part of me, way down deep, still believes that.  And believes the silent judging, that I know in reality doesn't happen, but I can sure conjure it up in my mind.

For tonight, I'm going to bed to fight my demons.  But tomorrow, I may ask you for some help....

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

 

I need to start writing again.  It is really difficult because I don't know if I want to.  Don't know if I should.  My nephew has left this earth and, really, things need to stop, and stay stopped, forever.  Or at least until I am ready for them to start again.

Which I'm not.

I still feel like I'm faking my way through the days.  Like I'm moving through some sort of viscus goo.  Like I need to sleep for 12 hours. Or 12 days.  Until I can stop feeling run down.

I also don't want to deal with the things.  Not the regular things like taking the kids to their lessons or working, not the other things like Buckhorn registrar responsibilities or getting ready for the fair.  Not having to deal with kids who are messy.  And grieving too.  And who are acting out because of that grieving.  Kids who are on my last nerve when my nerves are shot.  Nope, don't want to deal with that.

Another thing I didn't want to deal with? Having to butcher 9 rabbits on no notice.

Oh yes, I did that.

Last Thursday there was a snuffles scare in the two cages of rabbits getting ready for butchering.  So rather than sending the rabbits off to be butchered, I did it.  We couldn't wait the week or more for the butchering guy to have time in his schedule.  It might have led to more rabbits getting sick.  It had to be done.

Farmer Shawn at last?

Another thing I don't want to deal with? Tackling that sewing room.  I really am in the mood to sew right now but the kids have trashed that room so badly that you can hardly walk in it.

Not to mention that the aforementioned children also lost the lower bobbin mechanism so the machine doesn't work.

And you know that I could buy a new one but they are $25. I'm cheap, have I mentioned that yet? Yeah, even if I had the money to burn, which I don't, I wouldn't spend it KNOWING that the damn piece is in that mess hole somewhere.  Except that I hadn't wanted to sew enough to clean the room, so I just did nothing.

But now I do want to sew.  So, I need to shake off my funk and get going.

It's just that I don't know if I can....

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

And slowly the world began to move again.

Whether I'm ready for it or not, the world, and my life, is moving on.  Responsibilities don't go away, they pile up and lurk, waiting for you.  As do happy things, which I am also not ready for quite yet.

During it all, I must remember what once was. And try not to imagine what can never be.  It will be a slow healing process.  I can't imagine life ever being the same again.  And it won't be.  Not completely.

But I'll learn.

And begin anew.

Because I must begin anew.  Life starts over for me now.  I have to learn all over again how to live this life, this gift.  Because I've learned in the worst possible way that life is a gift, not a burden to be endured.  And I am often guilty of forgetting, in the day to day bustle, to actually live.

And live is what I must do.

I won't be alone in my journey into this new world.  There are hundreds if not thousands who were touched by Nate's life.  We'll all do our best to live our lives in such a way that when we think of him, we feel that we are living up to his memory.

How do we do that? By being who we are, living authentically, consciously. This life needs to have even more connection and love.  It needs to have more purpose.  More quiet times to enjoy just being.  More hugs.  More laughs.  Just more.

Just more.

Nathan, you will always be a part of my life.  You have occupied that space in my life for over 17 years, since I first found out you existed in your mom.  You cannot exit that space.  Your body may left this world, but your spirit will remain in that space in my life, guiding me, reminding me of what matters most.  And reminding me of happy times when each day I stumble upon something that stirs a memory of you.

Always, always, you will be with me.