I met with the lovely Rev. Gretchen Haley today. One of the things she suggested was that to get through the next week or two or three was to declare a vacation. A vacation from certain responsibilities that I'm not up to handling right now. Everyone in the family can contribute to the list. And it will have a set time limit, after which we have a ceremony or ritual of some sort to honor Nathan and our time of grieving.
I want to embrace this idea but I need to think of things to put on that list. I can't put work on there, as I need the income. So what, dear readers and friends, can I put on this list?
Gretchen also suggested I reach out to friends to help me over the next few weeks. Some help with keeping up the house, which seems like an insurmountable task at the moment. Maybe some meals. Someone to take the girls for a playdate so I can have some alone time, time to process.
It is so hard to ask, and yet she assured me it's a gift to be asked. People want to know what they can do to help. I know that I've been there myself, wanting to help but not knowing how. So know that I may reach out to some of you soon. Asking for assistance.
Know that this is not easy for me to do. It goes against all I was taught. It shows that I am not strong enough, not determined enough, not good enough. I know these things aren't true, but some part of me, way down deep, still believes that. And believes the silent judging, that I know in reality doesn't happen, but I can sure conjure it up in my mind.
For tonight, I'm going to bed to fight my demons. But tomorrow, I may ask you for some help....
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* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
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