Yes, it's true.  I'm fat.  Overweight.  Unhealthy BMI.  You name it, I'm it.

And you know what else? That is not likely to change.

Why?

I really don't know.  Seriously.  My body has decided that I will be this way no matter what I do.

"Surely, you jest," you say, "just eat less, exercise more."  Or maybe, "eat the right things.  Try paleo."  Or, "try doing..."  Ok, STFU, you.  I've tried it.

Don't think I've tried it? Check this list.  It's what I've tried over the past several years.

1. Writing down everything I eat
2. Measure/weigh everything I eat
3. Weight Watchers
4. HCG diet (where you take a homeopathic and eat like 5 things)
5. Tracking all food/exercise
6. Couch to 5K
7. Seeing a nutritionist
8. Eating more 
9. Eating less
10. Eating more protein
11. Eating a Mediterranean diet (similar to paleo)
12. Taking various supplements
13. Having various blood work done

And probably some more things I've forgotten.  Numbers 8-13 were under the advice and guidance of a nutritionist and my doctor this year (as was the HCG thing, but that was yrs ago.)  I started seeing them about my weight on Valentine's day 2013 at 248lbs.  I had kept a diary of what I'd eaten.  First pass we tried adding more protein and having more and smaller meals.  Over time, when my weight didn't change, we tried adding more calories, since I was kind of low.  Then we added some supplements and cut out more carbs.  Then we went to almost no carbs, some blood work and more supplements. All the while tracking all of my food religiously on my iPod.  After 5 months, I'd lost 4 pounds.

Four pounds.

When my nephew passed away in June, I was unable to cope with this anymore.  I couldn't try more things to help me not lose weight.  I needed to heal, and food was one of my crutches.  I used that crutch.  I ate whatever was handy because feeding myself was too much of a chore.  I couldn't be bothered to think about supplements or carbs, and dammit, I needed some chocolate.

More time passed and it was time for my yearly doctor's visit.  I weighed in last week.  Weighed in after 3.5 months of unmonitored eating.  

245lbs

I give up.  

So, the next person I hear talk about fat people like they are lazy or selfish or shouldn't enjoy food or any other derogatory statement, well, that person might just get bitch-slapped into next week.  Some of us have tried and truly cannot help what our weight has become.  I've tried to work my ass off, but my ass is staying put whether I like it or not. I will have to learn to live in and clothe this body that I have because, obviously, it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Maybe someday I will learn to love it as well.

You know that one kid on every sports team?

The one with a horribly beat up ball that maybe should be retired but they always bring it? And the decrepit ball is never inflated properly either.  To the point where the coach asks this child if she's gotten her ball inflated yet and then does it for her, probably wondering how her parents could be so neglectful and unorganized as to have not even noticed the under-inflated, over-used piece of equipment their child drags around town.

And that kid probably wears stained and torn clothing to practice.  I'm sure because the parents don't take the time to care for their child properly.  They probably never launder clothing at their house or purchase new clothing when the old is outgrown.  That poor child probably makes do with 3 or 4 outfits, judging by what she wears to practice.  Sad, really.

And said child probably often doesn't have a water bottle or brings it only half full.  No parent to watch over the child and make sure they are properly hydrated.  No one to care what happens to her.

Of course, this would NOT be my child.  Oh no.  Because she has three different soccer balls, a pump to inflate it, her very own new water bottle, numerous articles of clothing.

Oh no, it wouldn't be her.

Even on a day when things go wrong or I have to work or my kid is insane, I can still take comfort in the fact that it is autumn.  On Monday, I had all of those things but it's fall and so I was enthralled with everything I saw.  Like:

• Waves of yellow, oval leaves stirred up by cars were spinning and dancing across the roadway
• Blazing Autumn Ash trees assaulting your eyes with their showy red and purple foliage.
• Being in the sunshine and soaking it up rather than huddling in the shade wishing the sun would leave us
• Imprints of leaves in the library parking lot.  It had rained recently and the leaves had been run over, sticking to the blacktop.  Now the leaves were gone but the outlines remained.
• The sound of leaves falling, like rain.
• Walking through drifts of leaves, kicking them as if I was a child again.
• Our pile of pumpkins, gourds, squash, and yes, even a turnip.  Such a lovely sight to come home to.  Makes me smile every time :)

Made with Tagxedo and a link to Wikipedia's page on The Force.  No I'm not required to credit them, it's so cool, I want to :) http://www.tagxedo.com

The Force is strong in the younger child today.  Unfortunately the Force that I mean is definitely leaning strongly towards the Dark Side.

Why?

Well, you see, I am having her do some school work.

Oh yes, it has come the time in the year when it has become cool enough to be able to occupy space in the air-conditioning-free world of ours without leaving a sweat puddle around your feet.  I feel that your brain oozes out your pores along with the sweat and therefore give my children a lovely "summer break" from schoolwork.  Not to be confused with the summer breaks of the school kids, this one is not defined by calendars and plans.  No, it's defined by their mother's heat tolerance.

In any case, it is no longer a million degrees out and they have to do schoolwork  The older one generally likes it.  The younger one loathes anything making her do something she had not previously decided she wanted to do.  Today, that was writing.  It was the beginning of the writing curriculum so she had to read a book, a picture book, and then answer questions about reading.

Oh. My. Bob. THE HORROR!

Can you believe she had to write down some of her favorite books? And what kind of books she likes? Not only that, but things like where she likes to read and what she might do if she didn't understand what she was reading.

Yes, it was awful.  They did things like this in Guantanamo, I'm pretty sure.

Here are some of the whining, crying, throwing things, foot stomping comments to this ONE PAGE writing assignment (which she was welcome to type if she didn't want to physically write):

• I don't know what kind of books I like
• I like all kinds of books
• I don't like to read
• I don't ever learn things
• You never help me
• Why don't you ever help me?
• I hate writing
• I don't know what this means
• I like writing but I don't like this writing
• I don't know where I like to read
• I don't care about Harry Potter (<--sacrilege, right there)

After way, way, too much of this (and yes, I did help,) I said I was going to the shower and would be unavailable for helping or being screamed at for the next 20 minutes.  I believe the words "suck it up buttercup" may have left my mouth.

Amazingly, she was done with the entire assignment and had read part of her Ancient Civ before I could even get my hair washed.

Why, WHY, does this child have to carry on for so long before she finally does something? She's this way about her schoolwork, her chores, her computer not performing how she'd like.  There are no answers or assistance that will make things right.  She has to make everyone's life a living hell for an hour or so, and then she finishes her work in record time, usually even correctly.

This is stressing me the fuck out! And I have enough stress.  Thankfully, yesterday was a GOOD day so it's not as bad as it could be.  Right?

 

Today during World Travelers class at quasi-school, Sandis had to work with a partner to match up 47 British words with their American equivalent.  She told me that they were able to correctly match up 40 of 47.  Why? From watching Doctor Who on Netflix.  Because of that show, she not only knows about kindness to all creatures, pacifism, time travel, regeneration, and now, British vocabulary.  From now on, all Doctor Who television watching is counting as school hours.

Deanna, if you are reading, I asked Sandis how World Travelers is going without Wild Child, seeing as how the two of them had that class together for several years.  Her only comment was, "weelllll, it's a lot quieter."  I must say I actually laughed out loud at that.  I hope you do as well :)

(and for those reading who don't know FTW = For The Win.  You're welcome.)

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.