Guess what? I'm fat.




Yes, it's true.  I'm fat.  Overweight.  Unhealthy BMI.  You name it, I'm it.

And you know what else? That is not likely to change.

Why?

I really don't know.  Seriously.  My body has decided that I will be this way no matter what I do.

"Surely, you jest," you say, "just eat less, exercise more."  Or maybe, "eat the right things.  Try paleo."  Or, "try doing..."  Ok, STFU, you.  I've tried it.

Don't think I've tried it? Check this list.  It's what I've tried over the past several years.

  1. Writing down everything I eat
  2. Measure/weigh everything I eat
  3. Weight Watchers
  4. HCG diet (where you take a homeopathic and eat like 5 things)
  5. Tracking all food/exercise
  6. Couch to 5K
  7. Seeing a nutritionist
  8. Eating more 
  9. Eating less
  10. Eating more protein
  11. Eating a Mediterranean diet (similar to paleo)
  12. Taking various supplements
  13. Having various blood work done

And probably some more things I've forgotten.  Numbers 8-13 were under the advice and guidance of a nutritionist and my doctor this year (as was the HCG thing, but that was yrs ago.)  I started seeing them about my weight on Valentine's day 2013 at 248lbs.  I had kept a diary of what I'd eaten.  First pass we tried adding more protein and having more and smaller meals.  Over time, when my weight didn't change, we tried adding more calories, since I was kind of low.  Then we added some supplements and cut out more carbs.  Then we went to almost no carbs, some blood work and more supplements. All the while tracking all of my food religiously on my iPod.  After 5 months, I'd lost 4 pounds.

Four pounds.

When my nephew passed away in June, I was unable to cope with this anymore.  I couldn't try more things to help me not lose weight.  I needed to heal, and food was one of my crutches.  I used that crutch.  I ate whatever was handy because feeding myself was too much of a chore.  I couldn't be bothered to think about supplements or carbs, and dammit, I needed some chocolate.

More time passed and it was time for my yearly doctor's visit.  I weighed in last week.  Weighed in after 3.5 months of unmonitored eating.  

245lbs

I give up.  

So, the next person I hear talk about fat people like they are lazy or selfish or shouldn't enjoy food or any other derogatory statement, well, that person might just get bitch-slapped into next week.  Some of us have tried and truly cannot help what our weight has become.  I've tried to work my ass off, but my ass is staying put whether I like it or not. I will have to learn to live in and clothe this body that I have because, obviously, it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Maybe someday I will learn to love it as well.




5 comments:

  • Jennwhite | October 22, 2013 at 9:11 PM

    I hear you sister! I'm in the same boat these days, don't know if it's a getting older thing or what. I'm still working out because I feel better when I do, and I'm eating as lightly as I can without making myself nuts, but aside from that, I'm letting it go. Just living. And dammit, I'm going to enjoy that life, no matter what size I am! Give yourself a break, no guilt, no negative self lectures. You are still you, you are awesome, and you can enjoy life!

  • Claire Glenn Atteberry | October 22, 2013 at 9:48 PM

    With the stress that the three females have dealt with this year (Dave and his addiction, splitting up, fragmented family, cheating on his part, the old one dealing with crippling anxiety and depression, the young one with her diabetes scare and eventual pre-pcos dx), we looked at cortisol levels. Hmmmm. A hormone your body produces when you're stressed. Makes you crazy. Hmmmm. Sounds like us. Old one develops a "minor" sleeping disorder. Really old one (me) develops rampant insomnia. Young one develops "minor" sleeping disorder. Old one gets hormone therapy to deal with anxiety and depression. We find, through all of this, that EVERYONE'S cortisol levels are OFF THE FUCKING CHARTS. Compounding pharmacy suggests a cortisol manager to help with the sleep issues. We try it. It works. But it's wicked expensive. Helps you sleep. Helps you relax, Balances you. Brings things down to a dull roar. Side effects? If you're imbalanced with too much cortisol, a cortisol manager causes you to lose weight around the middle. Does it work? Too soon to tell. We are all sleeping better. We are less inclined towards fire breathing dragon behavior and homicidal mania. I haven't needed bail money since I started taking it. More importantly, I have not killed David. We are just ... BETTER. We'll see about the weight thing. I don't really care. I just wish it came in the convenient 50 gallon drum in which to marinate.

    All of that said, you have been under tremendous stress. I'm also taking SamE because I recently went through a cycle of sort of ok, blubbering mess or suicidal lunatic. Sometimes several times in one day. I'm not kidding. These two things have helped. You have been attempting to cope with stress that would have killed one more faint of heart several times over.

    Cortisol manager. Can't hurt, might help. If nothing else, you'll feel better and happier. At the end of the day, we love you no matter what.

  • Anonymous | October 22, 2013 at 11:07 PM

    I too struggle with this issue daily, and I have most of my life. On a good note, somehow in my young and unhealthy development (read removed from my mothers care & put into several foster homes & then going back & forth for a few years) I developed a very strong sense of self worth and have not had to worry about not loving myself, I just do! That being said, at the ripe young age of 42, I have increased my daily veggie intake to 2-3 cups a day, I try to grab veggies as snacks and I try to listen to my bodies queues of fullness, I have also recently started back at the gym. Since June I have lost 18 pounds. I have a very long road ahead of me but I am starting to feel better. 2 years ago I went to a metabolic specialist,spent a ton of money I really couldn't afford, did everything he said and after 4 months, I had gained 2 pounds. I totally understand your stress. hang in there, your friends & family love you no matter what shape & size you are. Sue Gaudet

  • April | October 23, 2013 at 5:06 AM

    You tell 'em. I love you as is.

  • Kathy | November 1, 2013 at 8:31 AM

    It's good to finally except who you are. I have battled with body issues all my life from bulima as a teenager to being overweight in my twenties I have never been happy. Hopefully as 30 approaches I can finally make peace with my body.

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