Saturday - My car overheated and stopped running, but just as we were pulling into the driveway.  Not too bad.

Sunday - I woke up with the cold everyone else has had.  It is a head cold with a super nasty headache and a crazy amount of sleepiness.  I spent all day in pjs.  Doing a lot of lying around again today.

Monday - Stella had trouble with being left again.  She carried on for about 30min and finally decided I wasn't going to take her with me and I was going to leave, so she went to class.  She decided she needed to snuggle (get a hug) if she started to cry.  Miss Miki said that would be just fine.  There was one more episode of crying and then she was fine the rest of the day.

I went and peeped (hung out with my peeps - it's what we do when we send the kids to quasi school) and then did a bunch of errands.  Found out what I need to do to get a new Driver's License since mine is NOT turning up.  I did some Girl Scout stuff, made an appt for my car, and called in the final tax numbers.  Going pretty well, I headed out to do the last two houses from last week armed with the code for the gate of the one that was unreachable last week.  That's where things went downhill for the day.

You see, I had Brian's car as mine wasn't working.  He had gotten a ride into work and was hopefully getting a ride home.  I drove 3 miles up the side of the mountain, entered the gate code and proceeded.  The roads were washboard-y and rutted, but dry.

The roads were not this nice

I didn't see the house yet, so I kept driving.  The roads started turning to snow, ice and mud.  There was no where to turn around.  The road was one narrow lane with rocks, trees, cliffs, etc on the sides.  Not somewhere you can do a y-turn in a giant sedan.  There weren't many driveways, and those that were there, were unplowed, muddy and steep as well.  I kept going thinking that the road must loop around. 

Not this nice either, sadly

Nope.  It dead ended in a "cul de sac."  I attempted to turn around and was stuck.  I rocked back and forth.  I emptied the car and trunk of anything that might give traction.  I gathered sticks and rocks to put under the tires.  Nope, I was stuck.

Ok, it wasn't nearly this bad.

Ok, I am out in the middle of nowhere behind horsetooth on a private road where you need a code to get in.  No one knows exactly where I am, just vaguely that I'm doing houses this afternoon.  I have no cell reception.  The few houses that are in this "subdivision" are mostly summer vacation homes.  I need to pick my kids up in less than an hour.  Brian has no car to get them even if I COULD get a hold of him.  He has no car to pull me out, doesn't know how to get to where I am, doesn't know where I am, doesn't know the gate code.  Stella's freaked out by being left at school and here I'm not going to show up to pick her up.  I've abandoned her.

I started to cry. 

And I started to walk.  The first driveway had a couple who do live there year round (with their dog and cat, who I got to pet - and experience the calming effect of petting animals.  It's not total, but that unconditional love does help.)  The wife taught at Front Range and could give me a ride.  They had a phone that worked (with Skype) and let me call the quasischool who got someone to take the girls (which they loved - thank you so very, very much, Deanna) and called Brian.  Then, the husband was able to pull out the car so I could escape the mud hell that was my life for the last hour or so.

That night, after delivering my car to the shop, I drank TWO beers.  That, according to my children, is getting drunk.  So I guess I was drunk last night, though it didn't really seem that way to me.  It did relax me some, I was a bit tightly wound.

Tuesday - Slept late, woke with a worse headache, which made me really glad I had canceled Girl Scouts.  Got the call on about my car.  Water pump, timing belt, ty rods, assorted seals and whatnot.  Damage? $1200-1300.  Crap.  Well, at least the tax refund will be submitted tomorrow.  It'll be a bit tight until that comes in but we'll make it.  Somehow we always do.

Now, it's time for a nap.  I've done my meager duties that had to be done today - girl scout emails, submitting the houses, making my kids clean up various messes they had made, made them also do something productive (no, Sandis, watching How I Met Your Mother is not educational.)  So yep, it's naptime.

   
Going to visit the beauty that is our world makes me want to see more and more and MORE of it.  I keep thinking of all the parks and other places I want to visit, with my children, preferably.  Well, the children keep growing, despite my admonishments to STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.  (they claim they can't stop growing - pshaw, I say.)  So I need to get to some of these destinations soon, before they grow up and move away.  Or grow up, stay here and become snarky teenagers (as opposed to snarky 8-10 yr olds) who don't want to vacation with their parents.  Here are some of the places I'm hoping to get to see:

Parks:
Yosemite 
Grand Canyon
Oregon coast (tide pools)
Ozark National Scenic Riverways & Mark Twain National Forest
Mesa Verde
Chaco Canyon
Bryce Canyon
Glacier National Park

Cities/Countries:
Washington DC (to see the Smithsonian)
San Diego, CA
Toronto, Canada
Germany
Ireland

    
Can I just say I love drugs? Seriously, our family's quality of life is so vastly improved by pharmaceuticals.  It is amazing.

So, we went to Moab and the car trip was so nice! There was hardly any bickering at all - and it's a 7 hr trip one way. Stella said her anxiety med and Sandis' depression med made it so they didn't fight.  She claimed she didn't even want to fight w/her sister.  She went on to say that her "sitting still" medicine made riding in the car so much easier.  I was glad to hear from her that the ADHD meds help.

Sandis has been so giggly in the last few days.  Yep, my daughter is back.  It took 3 days of medication and then BAM, they started working.  Same timeline as Stella.  Their play therapist was amazed and is reconsidering what she recommends to her clients based on what she's seen with my girls.

Today I worked.  When I work, I drive around and take pictures of houses for insurance companies.  For hours.  With kids in the car.  It's fun.  Yeah well, it's not terrible.  We listen to audio books, they do some fun workbook-y stuff.  And then after about 2.5 hrs, they are usually at each other's throats.  Today, we were out for 4 hours and not a single incident of screaming, beating on heads, stabbing with pens or anything of that nature.  (For the record, the kids to that to each other, it's not me stabbing them, though I will admit to screaming occasionally.)

Drugs.  I tell you, they are the BEST! I need to start a "just say YES!" campaign.

We are back home from our quick trip to Moab (left Friday, back Sunday.)  Lots to say but I'm too tired.  Here are a couple highlights that you should look for in posts this week:

• Stella's meds worked wonders on the drive.  Most pleasant car trip with the kids ever.  
• I'm going to make a list of all the National/State parks I want to visit with my kids.  I've got about 8 yrs to accomplish it before Sandis departs.  Probably only about 2-4 yrs before she starts eyerolling at the very mention of a vacation with family so I'd better get crackin'!
• We met up with our friends the Cobles and I have pics of their adorable kids :)
•  Ice Castle! We stopped at the Ice Castle in Silverthorn on the way to Moab.
• Brian ran a 55K faster than last year's time AND he was able to drive home.  Not bad.  
• Girl Scouts, Girl Scouts.  I've spoken with the Junior leader and I think we have a plan worked out for next year for Brownies/Juniors.  

Ok, that might be more than a week's worth of writing considering I have to take the girls to a dog show in Denver tomorrow, two therapy sessions and a tax appt on Tuesday, Girl Scouts on Wednesday, NCHA meeting Thursday, swimming on Friday plus a birthday party sleepover on Friday/Saturday for Sandis.  Oh, and work in there somewhere, I imagine.  And unpacking, the worst.  And I know my addled brain is forgetting some other stuff I'm supposed to do.  So, look for it in the upcoming week(s).

It seems like we're in Denver once a week lately.  Probably because we ARE in Denver once a week lately. It's not going to be changing in the next few weeks either as next week we head down to see a dog show and the following week is psych appts.  Maybe the week AFTER that we'll stick to nearby towns.  Maybe.

So today we headed down to Denver for Sandis' psych appt.  She and I had filled out the checklists and surveys about depression and anxiety in advance.  Why? Because I was thinking ahead last week when I took Stella in and had asked for them.  So the PA looked over those documents and we chatted about Sandis' issues.  Basically Sandis has been classically depressed lately - no desire to do things, even fun things, touchy, crying, sad, withdrawn, etc.  I could give specific examples, but hey, I've already done that today.  And I don't feel like typing out a long involved diatribe about how she over-reacted to something and clung to me for 1/2 a day or cried on the bed for a hour over nothing at all.  In any case, the PA agreed that Sandis sounds depressed.  No surprise that this coincided with Stella's getting better either (pretty classic pattern for a variety of reasons.)  The PA prescribed prozac, a lower dosage that Stella but the same med.

So I'll have two kids 10 & under on anti-depressants. Not ideal, but then again, my adolescent life would have been much, much better if I had had anti-depressants.  And if I had had some other things different as well, but anti-depressants would have helped, for sure.  And why should I deny my children being happy and being themselves, who they are meant to be, because of a social stigma, because of a fear of "pill pushing?"  I'm not going to.  This is alternative parenting too, just like attachment parenting or free range parenting or homeschooling.  I am going against the norm and the idea that kids are just kids and everything will be fine.  I am actively making things better for them no matter what it takes.

Easy path, no.  But what path is easy? None that I've ever found.

Yes, today went much like last week.  Only worse.  And better.

Stella was quite sure she could not do the day without me.  I, and her therapists, believe she can.  She made it about an hour before calling me in tears.  Another hour passed, another tearful call.  I was about ready to break because I HATE doing this to people.  You know, "here's my weepy, possibly puking, daughter who will suck all of your attention and distract everyone.  I'll be off running errands and doing whatever I like.  Have fun!"  Which is NOT what I'm thinking, of course, but that is how I feel.  Anyway, the director of the school called and said they could handle it.  It would be better if I didn't come.  I expressed my concern of what I was dumping on them and they assured me that it was fine, they were fine, Stella would be fine.

After call #2, when she realized I wasn't coming, Stella pulled it together and went to class.  She managed the rest of the day with only a bit of sorrow but no more tears.  When I arrived, she was completely fine and chatting away with me about something or other that happened during the day.

So it was an emotional rollercoaster (worse than last week), Stella was a wreck (worse than last week), but I got the support of the quasi-school (BETTER!!!) and feel relieved.  I can dump off my wailing malcontent without guilt.  Whew! I still drained the emotional well today, but I'll get through this mess somehow, someway, someday.

 

fijit  adj  \ˈfi-jət\

1 morally very bad : evil
2 a : fierce, vicious
   b : disposed to or marked by mischief : roguish
3 a : disgustingly unpleasant : vile
   b : causing or likely to cause harm, distress, or trouble
4 going beyond reasonable or predictable limits : of exceptional quality or degree

My older daughter is now the proud owner of one of these, purchased with her own money:

It sings in an annoying robotic voice.  It has no off switch.  It has no volume control.  Kill me now.