This is how feeding yourself works, when you are me.



This is how feeding yourself works, when you are me.  Thankfully, you are not me.

Breakfast - Figure out a healthy breakfast, eat that every day for years until you can't stand it anymore.  Repeat process when you can't possibly gag down favorite breakfast anymore.

Lunch - become hungry and figure it must be time for lunch. Seek out lunch but find no interesting food in house that you can eat without effort (effort is dependent on the day. Some days, toasting bread is too much effort. Most days frying an egg is too much effort. Almost every day making a salad with the chopping of various things is too much effort.)  Figure you aren't really that hungry yet and go do stuff.  Realize later that now you are super hungry.  Also realize there is not a single thing you can think of that you'd like to eat.  Go about your business because why eat food you don't want.  Realize that it is hours past lunch and you will soon become a raging bitch if you don't eat something.  Eat whatever is handy, like an apple and a dried out piece of cheese or a random disgusting meal-bar thingy.  Call it good.

Snack - repeat lunch scenario only with less eating.

Dinner - thank all that is good that your husband cooks so you don't have to repeat the lunch scenario again.

After dinner snack - choose least healthy item that you can possibly find in the house.  Five stale jelly beans and a spoonful of nutella is perfect.  Eat that while wishing you had better resolve.  Vow that tomorrow, you will have better resolve (you won't.)

If you are in a self-loathing, non-healthy phase of life (not currently,) then replace above lunch and snacks with chocolate of some sort.

And that my friends, is why I will never be a grown up, I can't fucking feed myself without an existential crisis. 


--------------------------------

Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

2 comments:

Post a Comment