Actual conversation at our house this morning.
Me: Why is your [clean, unworn] shirt on the bathroom floor?
Sandis: Because Stella wouldn't bring me scissors.
Right, so if your sister doesn't bring you scissors, put your clothing in the bathroom. On the floor. Got it? Good.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
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| photo credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulp_Fiction |
Pulp Fiction Parenting or thingsyoushouldneversaybutthatrunthroughyourheadandhelpyoucope.
Have you seen Pulp Fiction? If not, go watch it. I'll wait.
.
.
.
.
.
Ok, you're back. Did you like it? I do because it's quirky and out of order and makes you laugh at things that are totally NOT funny and so you shouldn't be laughing.
But that's not my point.
My point is that even though this movie is old, it has some time worn quotes that run through my head while I parent my children.
Scene 1: Remember when Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta go to the college kids' apartment to retrieve the magical case? And one of the kids keeps stuttering, "what?" It gets to the point where Mr. Jackson points a gun at him and says, "Say 'what' again, mother fucker, say 'what' again!"
This is how I feel when my kids say "poop" over and over. In song, in verse, to taunt each other, possibly even for a good reason. But as a parent, I want to point my arsenal of punishments at them and say, "say 'poop' again, mother fucker!"
But I don't. And that is why I am a good parent.
Scene 2: Misters Jackson and Travolta again. Cleaning up a messy car (you remember why it's messy, I don't need to repeat, right?) Harvey Keitel is being abrupt and Travolta sasses him with, "Please would be nice." Mr. Keitel rips him a new one and ends the tirade with, "pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the fucking car."
This is how I feel when I want them to do something and they just. won't. do. it. Something that is so obvious that they need to do, like say, go to bed or get dressed, and yet they stall, cajole, whine. I just want to say, "pretty please, with sugar on top, go the fuck to bed."
But I don't. And that is why I am a good parent.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
My lovely children have discovered Minecraft. Ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration. They had known about it for awhile. Then they coveted it. Then they purchased it but couldn't use it due to hardware issues. Don't EVEN get me started on how this crazy-pixelated game needs a better graphics card than we had.
In any case, they now have Minecraft. I am trying my best to stay ignorant of Minecraft, still, I hear things. Things like, "what do you feed your pet villagers?" Ok, no. I don't care if it is a game, we do not keep PEOPLE as pets. No. Just no.
But there are other things I hear that are amusing, in a WTF kind of way. Things like:
- I tried putting a saddle on a sheep
- My pig's house is wool
- Would a zombie be happy in here?
- My chicken is on a slime
- This is my new cow-mushroom hybrid
- Are silverfish flammable?
- What do you feed monsters? Poop. Not rotting flesh? No, that's for dogs.
- How do you make a blistering watermelon
- I don't think that's a cave....
Ok, that last one is probably only funny if your mind is in the gutter. And well, mine is there often so it was funny to me. YMMV.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
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| An anonymous painting of Loki from an Icelandic illuminated manuscript, http://norse-mythology.org |
Today as I was working, taking pictures of houses for insurance companies, I reflected back on the times that we've actually used our homeowner's insurance. Once was for a new roof. It was damaged from hail, and therefore the insurance company deemed it an "act of god" and covered the damages by paying for a new roof. The second time though, they did not pay. That was when our electricity went out in half the house because the main line into the house had a nick in it which corroded. This was not considered an "act of god."
I was thinking I needed to take issue with this definition, "act of god." Which god is doing the acting? Obviously, Thor is covered, what with his lightening and hail. Why not Loki? I mean I could totally see Loki causing the trouble with our electrical line, yet he is not covered? What gives?
Probably they can't cover those trickster gods because they cause so much trouble, there would be no end to claims. Ok, insurance companies, I'll give you that. But really, in the future, it might be good to note which gods' acts you will be covering. Got it? Thanks.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
How do you spend $100+ without trying? Without gratification? Without much to show for it? Without wanting to?
As it turns out, it's really fucking easy!
- Pack of 25 blank cards and envelopes, for end of year teacher notes, 4.99
- Fish oil supplements, required by dr, 9.59
- Clif bar, for work tomorrow, 0.99
- Gas, for work tomorrow and general running kids everywhere, 44.89
- Cord for Nook, to replace broken ones because they SUCK, and because kids break them much more quickly than adults, and because they are a proprietary connector, 24.95
- Binders, 1 per 4H project, couldn't get from thrift store because they don't have enough of the ones with the clear front pockets for cool project photos, 2.64 x 5
- 2 packs of sheet protectors, for 4H binders, 3.67 x 2
- 2 packs of tape, for attaching things to pages that will go into 4H binders, 0.67 x 2
- Sprinkler, to replace the broken one, 9.88
Grand total: 117.17 (not including tax)
So...nothing for me. Nothing fun. No entertaining retail therapy. No, just regular old stuff that I had to buy but didn't actually want to buy.
It sucks.
Blah!
And have I mentioned I hate summer? I do. It was 85 degrees today, in other words HOT, so I'm surly. It will get worse before it gets better. Be prepared, dear readers, be prepared.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
This is how feeding yourself works, when you are me. Thankfully, you are not me.
Breakfast - Figure out a healthy breakfast, eat that every day for years until you can't stand it anymore. Repeat process when you can't possibly gag down favorite breakfast anymore.
Lunch - become hungry and figure it must be time for lunch. Seek out lunch but find no interesting food in house that you can eat without effort (effort is dependent on the day. Some days, toasting bread is too much effort. Most days frying an egg is too much effort. Almost every day making a salad with the chopping of various things is too much effort.) Figure you aren't really that hungry yet and go do stuff. Realize later that now you are super hungry. Also realize there is not a single thing you can think of that you'd like to eat. Go about your business because why eat food you don't want. Realize that it is hours past lunch and you will soon become a raging bitch if you don't eat something. Eat whatever is handy, like an apple and a dried out piece of cheese or a random disgusting meal-bar thingy. Call it good.
Snack - repeat lunch scenario only with less eating.
Dinner - thank all that is good that your husband cooks so you don't have to repeat the lunch scenario again.
After dinner snack - choose least healthy item that you can possibly find in the house. Five stale jelly beans and a spoonful of nutella is perfect. Eat that while wishing you had better resolve. Vow that tomorrow, you will have better resolve (you won't.)
If you are in a self-loathing, non-healthy phase of life (not currently,) then replace above lunch and snacks with chocolate of some sort.
And that my friends, is why I will never be a grown up, I can't fucking feed myself without an existential crisis.
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
Quasi-school ends for the year next week, today being the last full day. I wanted to make sure I didn't waste those precious alone-time hours. So here is how I spent my day.
First I took a nap, the dogs joined me in this endeavor:
Then I played a few games:
After which I was productive.
I cleaned and organized the top of the tv (notice the new spotted bin for remotes) :
I hung pictures - one print and two art frames. The art frames hold the kids art while highlighting one piece. :
Then on the way to pick them up, I stopped at the thrift store and picked up this pretty dress for Stella for tonight's program:
And just so Sandis isn't left out, here she is with one of the baby bunnies (which had little to do with my day other than I did move 3 of the babies into their own cage today. )
After that, restful day was done because I had to pick up the children, zip home, feed them, get them clean and dressed so I could rush them off to the program. And once we arrived at the program, I had to go back home and get the recorder that Stella forgot. Still arrived with minutes to spare before the program started. Whew!
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.
After years of being a music, dance, drama and all-around art enthusiast, this past February, Stella began violin lessons. The culmination of that work to date is the recital she gave this evening.
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| All dressed up and ready to play! |
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| Post-recital s'mores (minus marshmallows due to vegetarianism) |
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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here. Or here. And once again here. Just for good measure, click here. Your body will thank you later****!
Fine print
* - not even scientifically studied. If it has been, I have not read about it.
** - not true
*** - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all. Thanks will not be forthcoming.