So, I might have just uttered the sentence, "It is 8:30pm, I haven't had any dinner, I'm hungry and trying to clean up the kitchen enough to make something to eat, please, go wash your dead rabbits in the bathroom."

Yeah, maybe having the baby rabbits due on Stella's birthday wasn't such a good idea seeing as how Mayahuel is an abysmal mother.  Of course, we didn't know that given that it's her first litter.  Still, RIP Mr BoJangles and two siblings.  Let's hope the remaining ones make it.

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In better news, STELLA IS TEN!!! Double digits, a whole decade, the big 1-0.  She is thrilled.  And she's glad she was well enough to go to quasi-school, because, as she said, "it would be horrible to have to miss school on your birthday!"  Yes, that is what all the cool kids say.  At least, all the cool kids who go to school one day a week, and get to take super fun classes like Animalia and Geography Through Art.

She had cake twice today. Twice. And she got a Rainbow Loom, which she's desperately wanted for months now.  She thought she wasn't getting one as none of the packages looked big enough.  Ha! I was so tricky having Sandis wrap it in the box it came in :)  She got several other gifts from us and her grandparents - cds, a new purse, more rainbow loom bands, B&N gift card, Piggly Wiggly sweatshirt, money.  She's a pretty stylin' ten yr old.

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And now, to write directly to Stella, my baby, my last baby.

Stella, I can't believe you are ten.  How on earth did I end up with a BABY who is TEN? The years have flown by.  It seems like yesterday that you were born, and yet, I barely remember that time.  I do remember some, and when I tell you stories, you always laugh and smile.  You love the stories from when you were a little girl.

I know that you don't always have it easy.  Life isn't fair.  You are the youngest.  You have impulse control issues, ADHD, anxiety - these make life harder for you to navigate at times.  Still, through it all, you are loving and sweet.  You have moments when we want to strangle you, but then you turn around and offer your last cookie to someone who doesn't have one.  You offer to help without being asked.  You give hugs when you see someone down.  Your kindness knows no bounds.

Those things that people may see as problems now, will be called "spunk" and "fire" when you are older.  I don't worry about you, my girl, you will have your way with this world.

I love you from the bottom of my heart, Stella.  I truly do.

Yes, it's true.  I'm fat.  Overweight.  Unhealthy BMI.  You name it, I'm it.

And you know what else? That is not likely to change.

Why?

I really don't know.  Seriously.  My body has decided that I will be this way no matter what I do.

"Surely, you jest," you say, "just eat less, exercise more."  Or maybe, "eat the right things.  Try paleo."  Or, "try doing..."  Ok, STFU, you.  I've tried it.

Don't think I've tried it? Check this list.  It's what I've tried over the past several years.

1. Writing down everything I eat
2. Measure/weigh everything I eat
3. Weight Watchers
4. HCG diet (where you take a homeopathic and eat like 5 things)
5. Tracking all food/exercise
6. Couch to 5K
7. Seeing a nutritionist
8. Eating more 
9. Eating less
10. Eating more protein
11. Eating a Mediterranean diet (similar to paleo)
12. Taking various supplements
13. Having various blood work done

And probably some more things I've forgotten.  Numbers 8-13 were under the advice and guidance of a nutritionist and my doctor this year (as was the HCG thing, but that was yrs ago.)  I started seeing them about my weight on Valentine's day 2013 at 248lbs.  I had kept a diary of what I'd eaten.  First pass we tried adding more protein and having more and smaller meals.  Over time, when my weight didn't change, we tried adding more calories, since I was kind of low.  Then we added some supplements and cut out more carbs.  Then we went to almost no carbs, some blood work and more supplements. All the while tracking all of my food religiously on my iPod.  After 5 months, I'd lost 4 pounds.

Four pounds.

When my nephew passed away in June, I was unable to cope with this anymore.  I couldn't try more things to help me not lose weight.  I needed to heal, and food was one of my crutches.  I used that crutch.  I ate whatever was handy because feeding myself was too much of a chore.  I couldn't be bothered to think about supplements or carbs, and dammit, I needed some chocolate.

More time passed and it was time for my yearly doctor's visit.  I weighed in last week.  Weighed in after 3.5 months of unmonitored eating.  

245lbs

I give up.  

So, the next person I hear talk about fat people like they are lazy or selfish or shouldn't enjoy food or any other derogatory statement, well, that person might just get bitch-slapped into next week.  Some of us have tried and truly cannot help what our weight has become.  I've tried to work my ass off, but my ass is staying put whether I like it or not. I will have to learn to live in and clothe this body that I have because, obviously, it's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Maybe someday I will learn to love it as well.

You know that one kid on every sports team?

The one with a horribly beat up ball that maybe should be retired but they always bring it? And the decrepit ball is never inflated properly either.  To the point where the coach asks this child if she's gotten her ball inflated yet and then does it for her, probably wondering how her parents could be so neglectful and unorganized as to have not even noticed the under-inflated, over-used piece of equipment their child drags around town.

And that kid probably wears stained and torn clothing to practice.  I'm sure because the parents don't take the time to care for their child properly.  They probably never launder clothing at their house or purchase new clothing when the old is outgrown.  That poor child probably makes do with 3 or 4 outfits, judging by what she wears to practice.  Sad, really.

And said child probably often doesn't have a water bottle or brings it only half full.  No parent to watch over the child and make sure they are properly hydrated.  No one to care what happens to her.

Of course, this would NOT be my child.  Oh no.  Because she has three different soccer balls, a pump to inflate it, her very own new water bottle, numerous articles of clothing.

Oh no, it wouldn't be her.

Even on a day when things go wrong or I have to work or my kid is insane, I can still take comfort in the fact that it is autumn.  On Monday, I had all of those things but it's fall and so I was enthralled with everything I saw.  Like:

• Waves of yellow, oval leaves stirred up by cars were spinning and dancing across the roadway
• Blazing Autumn Ash trees assaulting your eyes with their showy red and purple foliage.
• Being in the sunshine and soaking it up rather than huddling in the shade wishing the sun would leave us
• Imprints of leaves in the library parking lot.  It had rained recently and the leaves had been run over, sticking to the blacktop.  Now the leaves were gone but the outlines remained.
• The sound of leaves falling, like rain.
• Walking through drifts of leaves, kicking them as if I was a child again.
• Our pile of pumpkins, gourds, squash, and yes, even a turnip.  Such a lovely sight to come home to.  Makes me smile every time :)

Made with Tagxedo and a link to Wikipedia's page on The Force.  No I'm not required to credit them, it's so cool, I want to :) http://www.tagxedo.com

The Force is strong in the younger child today.  Unfortunately the Force that I mean is definitely leaning strongly towards the Dark Side.

Why?

Well, you see, I am having her do some school work.

Oh yes, it has come the time in the year when it has become cool enough to be able to occupy space in the air-conditioning-free world of ours without leaving a sweat puddle around your feet.  I feel that your brain oozes out your pores along with the sweat and therefore give my children a lovely "summer break" from schoolwork.  Not to be confused with the summer breaks of the school kids, this one is not defined by calendars and plans.  No, it's defined by their mother's heat tolerance.

In any case, it is no longer a million degrees out and they have to do schoolwork  The older one generally likes it.  The younger one loathes anything making her do something she had not previously decided she wanted to do.  Today, that was writing.  It was the beginning of the writing curriculum so she had to read a book, a picture book, and then answer questions about reading.

Oh. My. Bob. THE HORROR!

Can you believe she had to write down some of her favorite books? And what kind of books she likes? Not only that, but things like where she likes to read and what she might do if she didn't understand what she was reading.

Yes, it was awful.  They did things like this in Guantanamo, I'm pretty sure.

Here are some of the whining, crying, throwing things, foot stomping comments to this ONE PAGE writing assignment (which she was welcome to type if she didn't want to physically write):

• I don't know what kind of books I like
• I like all kinds of books
• I don't like to read
• I don't ever learn things
• You never help me
• Why don't you ever help me?
• I hate writing
• I don't know what this means
• I like writing but I don't like this writing
• I don't know where I like to read
• I don't care about Harry Potter (<--sacrilege, right there)

After way, way, too much of this (and yes, I did help,) I said I was going to the shower and would be unavailable for helping or being screamed at for the next 20 minutes.  I believe the words "suck it up buttercup" may have left my mouth.

Amazingly, she was done with the entire assignment and had read part of her Ancient Civ before I could even get my hair washed.

Why, WHY, does this child have to carry on for so long before she finally does something? She's this way about her schoolwork, her chores, her computer not performing how she'd like.  There are no answers or assistance that will make things right.  She has to make everyone's life a living hell for an hour or so, and then she finishes her work in record time, usually even correctly.

This is stressing me the fuck out! And I have enough stress.  Thankfully, yesterday was a GOOD day so it's not as bad as it could be.  Right?

 

Today during World Travelers class at quasi-school, Sandis had to work with a partner to match up 47 British words with their American equivalent.  She told me that they were able to correctly match up 40 of 47.  Why? From watching Doctor Who on Netflix.  Because of that show, she not only knows about kindness to all creatures, pacifism, time travel, regeneration, and now, British vocabulary.  From now on, all Doctor Who television watching is counting as school hours.

Deanna, if you are reading, I asked Sandis how World Travelers is going without Wild Child, seeing as how the two of them had that class together for several years.  Her only comment was, "weelllll, it's a lot quieter."  I must say I actually laughed out loud at that.  I hope you do as well :)

(and for those reading who don't know FTW = For The Win.  You're welcome.)

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

Finally it is September and FINALLY, ten days in, we are getting some relief from the heat.  Still, it is not making me content.  While I do love the cool, rainy days, the edge of autumn appearing in the tree's leaves and the air's scent.  It has not calmed my inner soul.

If anything I am more discontent than ever.  I pretty much hate everything and want to change it.

First of all, my phone.  My cell phone is a huge pain in the ass.  It decides when it will ring, usually to tell me about a voice mail left two days ago as opposed the to call coming in right. now.  Its coverage sucks.  I have no bars in parts of our town, neighboring towns, when the wind is blowing, when it's not.  I did a bit of research and bought a new phone on a new plan that hopefully has better coverage, definitely has cheaper rates.  It is still no-contract.  And the phone was expensive, for me anyway, but the savings in the plan will pay for the phone in little over six months.  Hopefully I won't hate this fucking phone too.

Next, I'm fed up with my radio station.  It used to play "alternative" music from 90's-today.  Now it's gone and started playing dubstep dance crap.  (Sorry if that is what you like.) And, even worse, it repeats.  If I hear that damn Jack Johnson whistling song for the third time in ONE DAY, then you, radio station, are done.  I am on a search for a new radio station but haven't found one yet.  You would think I could just use my iPod for music but no.  I perpetually have trouble with my computer refusing to recognize my iPod and then I have to take it back to factory settings.  Re-setting up all of my programs and apps, putting in all the passwords again, figuring out how I had it all arranged - it makes me angry just thinking about it, therefore I have the same music on my iPod that I've had on there for many months.  And yes, I'm tired of it.

Now, that's not ALL I'm tired of.  I'm also tired of our tv.  Yes, it's old (like 1999?) but I expect them to live. for. ever.  I should never have to buy a new one unless I want to upgrade features, which I don't. The tv does not care and has started to randomly turn itself off.  Sure, you can turn it back on, and that may work for awhile, days even, but eventually it will turn off again.  And it may not work either.  It may keep shutting itself off several times in a row, for your viewing pleasure.  So I am sick and tired of the tv and just want a new one.  One I can hang on the wall.  Then I could move out the big entertainment center, paint the wall, hang the tv, and be done.  But, well, that does cost money, doesn't it.  Crap.

Speaking of money, my car is going to be rolling on into 200,000 miles soon.  Where is my sugar daddy to buy me a new one?

I know that all of this discontent is just a reflection of my inner discontent.  I'm aggravated with things around me because things are wrong within.  My inner turmoil from the past summer has not resolved.  My outer life is crazy with business and children, children who are having behavior issues while dealing with their own feelings surrounding losing their cousin.  What do I do? I get tense and grouchy and unhappy with little things that maybe I can fix.  But fixing them won't solve anything.  I know that.

Still, I have to try.



--------------------------------

Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.