This is where the photo came from.  http://www.king.com/games/puzzle-games/candy-crush You should not go there, to facebook or to the app store or you too will be addicted to those little hot dogs and tear drops and whathaveyou.

Dear Candy Crush,

I understand the need to explain how to play your little game, even though it is pretty self-evident.  However, after failing (thanks for the banner stating that I failed, I couldn't figure that out on my own,) multiple times at the same level, telling me cheerily to, "clear all the jellies!" is really just taunting.  And taunting is not nice.  Didn't your parents teach you better than that?

Shawn (who is ever so glad that this is the worst thing to happen today.)

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

 

Ever have one of those lives? You know the kind, you have to run here and run there and work and come home and take the kids somewhere but oh wait, the thing for the kids has changed. Oh and school work and testing, you have to test your kids.  Except you don't but you do because they don't want to have to talk to someone they don't know.  And then there's an emergency.  Not yours but it affects you anyway.  And then there's that other stuff you have to do like clean the house.  And take showers.  And get dressed.  And feed yourself. 

Fuck, life is just too long and busy. 

Luckily it slows down, just a bit, for the next couple of days.  I might get to sleep in.  Or take a nap.  Or drink myself into oblivion.  Ok, not that last one, but maybe some of the sleep stuff can happen.  That would be nice, right?

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

 

Actual conversation at our house this morning.

Me: Why is your [clean, unworn] shirt on the bathroom floor?
Sandis: Because Stella wouldn't bring me scissors.

Right, so if your sister doesn't bring you scissors, put your clothing in the bathroom.  On the floor.  Got it? Good. 

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

photo credit: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulp_Fiction

Pulp Fiction Parenting or thingsyoushouldneversaybutthatrunthroughyourheadandhelpyoucope.

Have you seen Pulp Fiction? If not, go watch it.  I'll wait.
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Ok, you're back.  Did you like it? I do because it's quirky and out of order and makes you laugh at things that are totally NOT funny and so you shouldn't be laughing.

But that's not my point.

My point is that even though this movie is old, it has some time worn quotes that run through my head while I parent my children.  

Scene 1: Remember when Samuel L. Jackson and John Travolta go to the college kids' apartment to retrieve the magical case? And one of the kids keeps stuttering, "what?"  It gets to the point where Mr. Jackson points a gun at him and says, "Say 'what' again, mother fucker, say 'what' again!"

This is how I feel when my kids say "poop" over and over.  In song, in verse, to taunt each other, possibly even for a good reason.  But as a parent, I want to point my arsenal of punishments at them and say, "say 'poop' again, mother fucker!"

But I don't.  And that is why I am a good parent.

Scene 2: Misters Jackson and Travolta again.  Cleaning up a messy car (you remember why it's messy, I don't need to repeat, right?) Harvey Keitel is being abrupt and Travolta sasses him with, "Please would be nice."  Mr. Keitel rips him a new one and ends the tirade with, "pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the fucking car."

This is how I feel when I want them to do something and they just. won't. do. it.  Something that is so obvious that they need to do, like say, go to bed or get dressed, and yet they stall, cajole, whine.  I just want to say, "pretty please, with sugar on top, go the fuck to bed."

But I don't.  And that is why I am a good parent.



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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

My lovely children have discovered Minecraft.  Ok, that is a bit of an exaggeration.  They had known about it for awhile.  Then they coveted it.  Then they purchased it but couldn't use it due to hardware issues.  Don't EVEN get me started on how this crazy-pixelated game needs a better graphics card than we had.  

In any case, they now have Minecraft.  I am trying my best to stay ignorant of Minecraft, still, I hear things.  Things like, "what do you feed your pet villagers?"  Ok, no.  I don't care if it is a game, we do not keep PEOPLE as pets.  No.  Just no.

But there are other things I hear that are amusing, in a WTF kind of way.  Things like:

• I tried putting a saddle on a sheep
• My pig's house is wool
• Would a zombie be happy in here?
• My chicken is on a slime
• This is my new cow-mushroom hybrid
• Are silverfish flammable?
• What do you feed monsters? Poop.  Not rotting flesh? No, that's for dogs.
• How do you make a blistering watermelon
• I don't think that's a cave....

Ok, that last one is probably only funny if your mind is in the gutter.  And well, mine is there often so it was funny to me.   YMMV.


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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

An anonymous painting of Loki from an Icelandic illuminated manuscript, http://norse-mythology.org

Today as I was working, taking pictures of houses for insurance companies, I reflected back on the times that we've actually used our homeowner's insurance.  Once was for a new roof.  It was damaged from hail, and therefore the insurance company deemed it an "act of god" and covered the damages by paying for a new roof.  The second time though, they did not pay.  That was when our electricity went out in half the house because the main line into the house had a nick in it which corroded.  This was not considered an "act of god."

I was thinking I needed to take issue with this definition, "act of god."  Which god is doing the acting? Obviously, Thor is covered, what with his lightening and hail. Why not Loki? I mean I could totally see Loki causing the trouble with our electrical line, yet he is not covered? What gives?

Probably they can't cover those trickster gods because they cause so much trouble, there would be no end to claims.  Ok, insurance companies, I'll give you that.  But really, in the future, it might be good to note which gods' acts you will be covering.  Got it? Thanks.



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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.

How do you spend $100+ without trying? Without gratification? Without much to show for it? Without wanting to?

As it turns out, it's really fucking easy!

• Pack of 25 blank cards and envelopes, for end of year teacher notes, 4.99
• Fish oil supplements, required by dr, 9.59
• Clif bar, for work tomorrow, 0.99
• Gas, for work tomorrow and general running kids everywhere, 44.89
• Cord for Nook, to replace broken ones because they SUCK, and because kids break them much more quickly than adults, and because they are a proprietary connector, 24.95
• Binders, 1 per 4H project, couldn't get from thrift store because they don't have enough of the ones with the clear front pockets for cool project photos, 2.64 x 5
• 2 packs of sheet protectors, for 4H binders, 3.67 x 2
• 2 packs of tape, for attaching things to pages that will go into 4H binders, 0.67 x 2
• Sprinkler, to replace the broken one, 9.88

Grand total: 117.17 (not including tax)

So...nothing for me.  Nothing fun.  No entertaining retail therapy.  No, just regular old stuff that I had to buy but didn't actually want to buy.

It sucks.

Blah!

And have I mentioned I hate summer? I do.  It was 85 degrees today, in other words HOT, so I'm surly.  It will get worse before it gets better.  Be prepared, dear readers, be prepared.

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Did you know that clicking is scientifically proven* to be good for your health and well-being? True**! And you can vote for me and my blog by clicking! Coincidence***? Improve your health today by clicking here.  Or here.  And once again here.  Just for good measure, click here.  Your body will thank you later****!

Fine print
*       - not even scientifically studied.  If it has been, I have not read about it.
**     - not true
***   - totally NOT a coincidence
**** - your body won't care at all.  Thanks will not be forthcoming.